Dear Ian,
You turn 21 tomorrow. In a few short weeks, you and Andrea will become parents. Turning 21 in the United States is kind of the last leg to becoming an adult. At that point, you can buy alcohol without somebody elses help. It’s on odd thing we have in this country: The minute you turned 18, you could have joined the military, bought a handgun, gotten married, signed a contract for a loan-but yet you were not considered adult enough to buy booze. Go figure.
The fact that you and Andrea are about to have a child in 4 short weeks really seals the deal about turning the page in a new chapter in your life.
I think sometimes parents get too much credit and too much blame in how a kid turns out. I’ve known people who grew up with “everything”, but who ended up as losers. On the flip side, I have known people who have overcame a lot, who ended up becoming productive members of society. One thing I do believe, and that is that kids need a father figure to be a parent and not a friend to their kids. Your son or daughter will have plenty of friends, they only have one set of parents. After many years of hard-core feminists and educators saying that kids don’t need a male presence in their life, these so-called experts have now changed their tune and admitted that maybe a child having a dad or a strong male figure in their life might help them succeed in life and be less likely to get into trouble.
My mom and dad divorced when I was really young. I did not get to see my dad growing up as much as I would have liked. I was lucky that my grandpa Anderson and my step-dad were strong role models for me. My step dad was not perfect-he had some serious issues himself, but he gave me a kick in the ass to do well at school, taught me to cook, got me invol ved in sports and getting outside as well as suggesting that I take up a foreign language. My grandpa Anderson taught me about being responsible, about being patient when teaching kids a task, about doing a job right the first time, about the importance of getting outdoors and appreciating the four distinct seasons we have here in Minnesota. My dad taught me about second chances, about realizing that your kids are going to make mistakes-and somehow will learn from their mistakes. My dad, your Grandpa Chuck, bit the bullet and paid for a good deal of my college education and later, helped make our house payments while I was going to nursing school. As a realtor who relied on commissions, that meant that more than a couple of houses had to get sold to help me out as a young adult. He was happy to do it, because he felt that it was the right thing to do, and he was in a place where he could financially help me out. My point in all of that, is that as a dad, you still want to help your kids-even when they are adults. I may not be able to pay for your school-but I am happy that you and Andrea can at least share the space under our roof.
I don’t have a ton of exact advice about being a dad. Goodness knows I made plenty of mistakes along the way, too with you and your sister. To be honest, some of my favorite memories as a parent have been little things, like doing 2 AM feedings for you and
Rachel while watching some esoteric sport like Aussie Rules Football, rugby or the World’s Strongest Man on ESPN with the cats crashed all around us.
If you are going to press me for a couple of kernals of wisdom, here you go: Eat supper together as a family-don’t fall into the trap of just taking the kids to fast food places, like McDonalds, or letting the kids eat on their own while watching TV. Eating supper together as family gives me many fine memories of conversation, laughter and sharing our day; long car rides to and from Chicago or Duluth. Whatever you do, please don’t get those stupid DVD players in the back seats of your car. Play sing a long with the radio, get some music CD’s, engage your kids in looking at the enviorment in which you are driving, be it the people, animals, buildings, terrain-there is no shortage of things to look at or talk about on a long drive; don’t be a helicopter parent…God knows we have too many of them now. Sometimes you need to let your kid fail. You cannot prevent them from having the occasional knocks, bumps and bad experience. Advocate for your child so that they can get the best education, yes, but don’t go to the extremes of sheltering your kid from everything.
The rest, as they say, you will have to figure out on your own.
I am very proud of you, Ian. I know you will be a great dad. You are a way more mature person at your age, than I was at almost 21. For the mother of your child, you chose wisely-as I did when I picked your mom. Andrea is the perfect partner for you to be a parent. You two compliment each other very, very well.
I am looking forward to being a grandfather…because that means that when your baby is screaming too much or has a poopy diaper, I can pawn them back to you two…actually, l am looking forward to 2 AM feedings on my nights off.
Happy Birthday son. Your ‘Real’ present will be coming in about 4 weeks. Your adventure is just beginning. We don’t know if you are going to have a son or daughter. Having raised one of each with your mom, I can tell you that boys are great and girls are great. As somebody who has worked with some seriously sick or dying kids over the years, I can tell you that if you have a healthy kid, the rest of it is all good.
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